Sexual boundaries are ever-evolving. A sexual act you might have enjoyed for several years can suddenly make you feel uncomfortable. The environment and the conditions we live in create lasting impacts on our sexual preferences, making them change over time. Not communicating your sexual boundaries to your partner can be mentally and physically disturbing. Furthermore, it can create detrimental effects on your relationship. Whether you have a casual or serious relationship, it is indispensable to have healthy sexual conversations with your partner that communicate your sexual boundaries.
Sexual conversations are sensitive. As a result, one should take a lot of care while being vocal on sexual topics to ensure that you are not hurting either your or your partner's feelings. Consequently, here are five things to keep in mind while communicating your sexual boundaries to your partner:
1. Identify your sexual preferences
To be able to communicate your boundaries, it is important for you to first recognize them. You must know what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. You can be confident about your boundaries by asking yourself questions like:
1. What touching you don't like?
2. What sexual acts are making you uncomfortable?
3. What clothes do you want to keep on?
4. What parts of your body you don't like being touched?
5. What parts of your partner's body are you uncomfortable touching/seeing?
Questions of similar nature can help ease the process of identifying your boundaries for you.
2. Avoid having the conversation during sex
If you want to communicate your boundaries to your partner so that they are better comprehended, avoid having the conversation during sex. Talking during sex is not one of the best options as you both are vulnerable at that time and your partner is not mentally prepared to hear something negative. Ensure that you start the talk when your partner has time to process the information you are about to share with them. Finding the right place to be vocal about your wants is also recommended as you don’t want to be unheard.
3. Set the mood for the conversation
When it comes to sex, it is important to take consent from your partner rather than simply straight away starting to remove their clothes. In the same way, when planning to converse your sexual boundaries, you should primarily, ask for their permission to have this sensitive conversation to ensure that you both are in the same mood and space. You can ask things like: "Can we discuss our sex life sometime soon? It would be beneficial for us to discuss a few things." Once you are sure that you and your partner are comfortable talking to each other about the boundaries. You can be expressive of your sexual needs.
4. Start with a Positive Prep Talk
Telling your sexual boundaries can be awkward and hurtful for your partner. You definitely don't want them to get all stressed about the relationship and themselves. To avoid such circumstances, when you decide to talk about your boundaries, make sure you start with positive things instead of just hopping on to things that are making you uncomfortable during sex. For example, it is better to say, " I really enjoy it when you do X, but doing Y is making me a little uncomfortable lately" instead of saying "I don't like the X thing that you did last week, stop that!" You must keep in mind to not degrade or demean your partner while you convey your boundaries.
5. Start talking about your sexual life frequently
One of the best ways to be vocal about your sex life with your partner is by organizing regular discussion sessions. These sessions are less awkward than out-of-the-blue "I need to talk to you" conversations. In these regular sessions, couples know the motive of the conversation and can discuss things that may/may not be working for them.
What to do if your partner is not respecting your sexual boundaries?
With limited sexual education in our society, it can get difficult sometimes for people to process a subject like sexual boundaries. However, with a little time and a broad-minded approach to the subject, people are able to fathom the fact that their partner is not comfortable with some of their sexual acts.
However, there are also times, when they don't respect your boundaries. Well, if your partner is continuously disrespecting your sexual boundaries and forcing you to indulge in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, then it's a sign of sexual assault. Furthermore, coercion is one of the most common responses after you communicate your sexual boundaries to your partner. So, make sure you don't miss out on noticing the signs of coercion.
A respectful partner would always accept your sexual boundaries. But if your partner is not doing so, it is time to bid adieu and find yourself someone who respects your choices.